Sarashina Diary: Retold in the present tense (10)

 

Nowadays, I deeply regret the idle fancies of my past. As my parents have not accompanied me to temples or shrines, I feel impatient. Now, I wish to be wealthy and influential, and to bring up my children as I desire. For myself, I wish to become a wealthy person and to do my best to pile up virtuous deeds for my future life in the next world.

So, encouraging my heart, I travel to Ishiyama-dera Temple in late December. It snows a lot and the scenery along the route is lovely. As I see Osaka Pass, I remember my past self, a girl from the provinces who crossed it with a heart full of yearning for the capital. I recall that it was also in winter, on a similarly windy day, when I passed it on my way up. As I stand here, the bitter winds of the world blow as relentlessly as they did then:

The winds across Osaka Pass

Blow with the same fierce sound as long ago,

When a girl’s distant dreams first crossed this crest;

Now, exiled from the center, my years have tripled in the cold.

Seki-dera Temple has been made magnificent. That reminds me of the old, roughly hewn head of Buddha. It touches my heart to realize how many years have passed. The beach at Uchide does not look changed, serving as a cruel contrast to the years I spent in the capital, where I was forced to face my own marginality.

Towards evening, I arrive at Ishiyama-dera Temple. I go down to the purification house and then go up to the main hall. No voice is heard, and the mountain wind is dreadful. During Buddhist practices, I fall asleep. I hear a voice saying, "From the inner shrine, musk perfume has been bestowed. Tell her at once." At these words, I awake and find it to be a dream. Feeling that even a peripheral soul like myself was embraced in the equal mercy of the Buddha, I took it as a comforting omen and passed the rest of the night in quiet prayer.

The next day, the wind rages and it snows heavily. I comfort my lonely heart by sharing deep conversation with my companion, who is a lady-in-waiting to Princess Yushi (1038–1105) and who is an equal before the Buddha. We leave after staying there for three days.