Sanuki no Suke’s Diary: Days of Imperial Mourning (8)

 

     By the sixth month, the height of summer had arrived. Around this time last year, the late Emperor was still in excellent health and high spirits. Remembering that people had expressed a desire to see the spring at the Horikawa mansion, he had—for some reason—sent a messenger to me, insisting that I should go.

     "Since it is His Majesty’s wish, I shall go tomorrow," I replied, and I set out ahead of the others to wait for them. The rest of the company arrived in two carriages, spent the entire day by the spring, and then prepared to return. Seeing them depart, I thought to myself, “I shall stay here tonight and rest in comfort,” and so I remained behind. However, a lady-in-waiting named Hitachi-dono urged me otherwise:

     "Oh, no, you mustn't! You must return to the palace. His Majesty said he wants everyone to play the fan-lottery game. He has already prepared various fans and is waiting for you."

     Thus, I returned with them.

     The Emperor had been waiting for his ladies-in-waiting, and after personally inquiring about what they had done at the spring, he suggested, "Shall we hold the fan-drawing game tonight?"

     I replied, "I am so impatient for the morning to come that I’d love to start tonight! But it would be a pity to play in the dark, since we wouldn't be able to see everyone's expressions clearly."

     The next morning, as soon as dawn broke, he commenced the game, summoning everyone to their seats. Although the ladies, including Fujiwara Ieko, were already seated, the Emperor directed his words to me: "Draw a fan first." When I drew, I completely missed the beautiful fan I had been hoping for, and instead pulled one of the poorest quality. Disappointed, I carelessly threw it down right in front of him.

     He laughed and chided, "How rude!"

     A lady-in-waiting named Tajima-dono chimed in, "That is exactly how a favored servant behaves. No one else would ever dare do such a thing."

     They all teased me, but at the time, I thought nothing of it. Now, however, I look back on my insolence with deep regret, wondering, “Why on earth did I behave that way in his presence?” Yet, it only makes me feel all the more grateful today for his immense generosity and indulgence.