Sanuki no Suke’s Diary (5)

 

     None of us slept a wink, and we all watched the Emperor's face.  The Emperor, looking extremely distressed, draped his legs over me, and asked, "I, the Emperor, am going to die today or tomorrow.  How can so few of you turn your eyes on me?  What do you think?"

Just hearing this made my heart swell, and I was choked with tears, unable to reply.  Unable to contain myself, I fixed my eyes on him, and perhaps realizing that I was beside him, he eventually stopped questioning and found Fujiwara Ieko waiting in the corner of the room.

     "You're being slack off.  Don't you know I could die today or tomorrow?"

     To which Ieko replied,

     "How could I be slacking off?  I'm not slacking off, but I wish there was anything I could do about your illness..."

     "What? You were slacking off just now.  All right, I'll just watch you."

     He looked so distressed that I didn't leave his side even for a moment, and lay beside him crying silently as if I were his wet nurse.  "Oh, how terrible!  If he were to die like this, it would be a great disaster.  What a great kindness he has had, which made it so easy for me to serve him," and other such memories came flooding back to me, and as my eyes and heart followed my lead, I was unable to sleep at all, and I gazed intently at his face.  Unfortunately, it was an unbearably hot season, and yet, sandwiched between the screen and the Emperor, I snuggled up close to him, gazing intently at his sleeping face, and there was nothing I could do but cry.  "Why did I end up serving him so closely?" I wondered, filled with regret.  Can anyone understand how I feel as I recall one event after another, from the night I first visited the Emperor to today?  "What on earth has happened?" I wondered, feeling nothing but sadness.