Sarashina Diary: Retold in the present tense (7)

 

I have started working this way. I thought I would get used to working in the residence. I was occupied with my parents at home, but as I was not regarded as perverse in the residence, I seemed to have every reason to hope that I was counted on and favored like the other ladies-in-waiting.

It is puzzling of my parents, however, to confine me in the marriage with Tachibana Toshimichi (1002–1058). That can hardly make our life conditions sparkling or well-off. In addition, judging from my trifling and frivolous romantic mind, my husband is very disappointing and far from satisfactory. I unconsciously say to myself and pass my days:

I pick thousands of parsley leaves.

Not a single leaf yields even a dewdrop

To quench the inner thirst

Of my unfulfilled heart.

I have been consumed by household chores and I forget about romantic stories. My mind has become utterly plain and steady. I wonder why I spent my years and months idly, passing my time day in and day out. I did not engage in religious practices nor visit temples or shrines. I daydreamed about my romances, but what I imagined is not realistic.

Could there be anyone like the Shining Prince? No Kaoru Genji appears in front of me to keep me in Uji in this world. How crazy I used to be! What trivial and trifling things I used to have in my mind! I think so from the bottom of my heart, but the regret and remorse do not lead me to truly embrace this practical life.