Sarashina Diary: Retold in the present tense (16)

 

My husband, Tachibana Toshimichi (1002–1058), returns in April of the following year due to illness. He spends the summer and autumn at home. On September 25th, he falls ill. On October 10th, he vanishes like a dream. I once wrote, “Compared to the deaths of strangers, the sorrow of my sister’s death was beyond description.” My sorrow over my husband's death is beyond comparison.

Now, I realize that my present state was reflected in the mirror offered to Hase-dera Temple about 25 years ago. In it, someone was seen weeping in agony. The reflection of the happier one has not been realized, and can never be in the future.

On the 23rd, we cremate his remains into smoke with despairing hearts. I remember that my boy was dressed exquisitely to attend his father when they went down to the province last autumn. This time, I see the boy dressed in black with a white sleeveless outer garment. He follows the bier and walks out, weeping. My feelings when I saw him going out could never be expressed. I felt like wandering in a dream, and I believed my husband must have been watching over me.

If I had not given myself up to reading useless romance stories and composing waka poems, but had practiced religious austerities night and day, I would not have seen such a dreamlike world. When I visited Hase-dera Temple for the first time, I dreamt that someone threw in a cedar twig, saying, “This is a token bestowed by Goddess Inari.” If I had visited Inari Shrine immediately after that, this misfortune might not have happened.

In these past years, I have seen dreams that bade me to pray to Amaterasu (the Sun Goddess). The dream interpreter explained that I should serve at the Imperial Court as a wet nurse, sheltered behind the favor of the Emperor and Empress. The interpretation has never been realized. Only the sorrowful reflection in the mirror has been realized unaltered.

How pitiful and helpless I am! Thus, being a person whose heart could never be in harmony with the things around me, I am just drifting in this world, doing no virtuous deeds for the next life.