Sanuki no Suke’s Diary Volume 2 (4)

 

     Upon hearing of this Imperial order, my brother remarked with a bit of a smirk:

"Ah, I wish I were to receive such an order as a man! What a lucky position you have. It is quite something—you received the mourning weeds alongside the veteran retainers and the wet nurse’s own children, even though you did not serve him for that long. And now, in the new reign, you are considered so indispensable that a decree has been issued to remove your mourning clothes before the year is even out. It is truly absurd."

Hearing him continue to say such things made me feel both amused and deeply ashamed.

     I recalled the past story: when Emperor Kazan (968–1008) became a monk, Fujiwara Kaneie (929–990) came to the palace of Emperor Ichijo (980–1011) and said to Fujiwara Koreshige (953–989), the Secretary, "Let us use you as Secretary again." Yet Koreshige felt that serving would only remind him of his previous Lord; he abandoned his rank and became a monk.

     I thought to myself: "What memories could possibly make me, undeterred by the shame of the past, return to service now? Of all the ladies-in-waiting, why must I alone have to suffer the hardship of serving two generations?"

     However, after rinsing my mouth and purifying my hands with flowing water, I felt a little refreshed. I comforted myself by thinking, "This too must be a strange fate, that the new Emperor is to become my lord." Although I felt like an insect driven out by the mowing of the fields, I thought it was all due to my own karma. Although it was sad to live on and suffer such a fate, there was no point in just crying. I began to prepare.

     My lower-ranking servants, however—who had been used to the palace and were tired of this lonesome, aimless life in the country—looked very happy. Seeing their satisfied faces was irksome and made me feel resentful. Before long, it was November.