Sanuki no Suke’s Diary: Days of Imperial Mourning (4)

 

     In February, the nineteenth day arrived—marking not only the monthly anniversary of the late Emperor’s passing but now also the anniversary of that lady's death. As I listened to the priest’s sermon and looked at the sliding door, I was vividly reminded of her.

     Last year, during the New Year's celebrations, while I was attending the New Year's services at the Imperial Palace, she had sent someone from her place of retirement to summon her juniors.

     "It is a charming and peaceful place, so please come with us," I was invited by an elder Lady-in-Waiting and another companion. Upon hearing that the retired lady was just beyond the sliding door of her residence, the Lady-in-Waiting called out, "So you are here. I have brought my colleagues with me."

     "Ah, let me meet Nagako! What a joy!" she had replied, and so we met.

     On that night, she had said to me:

     "I understand you have been exceptionally kind and devoted in taking care of my junior, yet I have never been able to properly express my gratitude. Now that I am retired and see how advanced in age my hair has become, I cannot even bring myself to visit her family’s residence. Besides, I no longer look my best even with makeup. I have been wishing to fulfill my desire to become a nun and abandon the world within this month. This thought had become my sole obsession, but tonight, my prayers to the Buddha seem to have been answered by this meeting. I am truly happy. My heart is now at peace, and when I attain enlightenment, I am sure my afterlife will be tranquil as well."

     Remembering these words, the first thing that came back to me was how deeply considerate and thoughtful she had been—and now she, too, is gone.

     And thus, the second month passed away in deepening sorrow.